[Humans of Courage] Bui Thi Chi, Transgender from Son La

“It’s been five Tet (New Year) that I haven’t got to celebrate at home. My first year, I was full of resentment. Every night I would cry myself to sleep, to the point where my eyes were constantly puffy by dawn.

It was 27th November 2014. I remember it very well because it was the fateful day that brought me to my life right now. I was a junior (of high school) at the time. I wasn’t sure if it was fate. I brought my boyfriend, also happened to be my first love, to my home. In my room, we held hands and kissed on the lips, but didn’t realize that I hadn’t closed the door. My dad somehow was the one to come up to announce lunch time. I wasn’t sure how long he had been at the door, witnessing everything. When he started to speak, I knew that he was furious. I trembled, without a clue in my head about what to say to him. His rage led him to throwing and breaking things around the house. My mom came to ask why, but without saying a word, he threw the bong at me. It hit me and I bled – and now you can still see a scar.

As I was bleeding, I kneeled before him to ask for his forgiveness. Both my mother and my boyfriend at the time did the same, but he said “From now on, you are no longer my son”, as he threw out my things.

Afterwards, I took refuge at my aunt’s, who then took me back home to once again ask for my dad’s forgiveness. But when I returned, all the belongings in my room were all cleaned out. He took a big knife to shoo me away. I was sobbing when I fled the scene. At that time, I was so young that my only thoughts of him were resentment, I was furious at him. 

From that very day, I dropped out of school and started looking for jobs everywhere, from Lao Cai, Son La, to Ha Noi. Each time after a couple of months I would have to quit because people at work kept teasing me. At that time, I didn’t even understand myself, I knew every little about transgender so I only smiled without saying nothing.

At that time, I knew of and joined an online group of people who were also homeless and in the same situation as mine. There, they talked, shared, and opened up to each other. I therefore became less shy and more willing to live true to myself. I came out, started using makeup and stopped putting myself in a rigid gender box. But in turn, it became much harder for me to find a job. 

I had no place to go, so I had to manage everything myself. Beginning of 2018, I knew someone who told me to move to Quynh Nhai to help as a masseur. As it turned out, he was a pimp. I lived in a rented house, which looked like a cheap hostel on the outside, but inside there were 5 closed rooms. That day, entering the room was 3 people, one even filming the scene. There was so much violence that day that thinking about it know makes me sweat. I started panicking and cried, but as I did so, they slapped me. That day, I came home not being able to lift myself up. I sobbed wondering why my life had turned out like that.

After that, I texted a friend of mine who I considered my sister, Thuy. She said “Come to my place, I am in Moc Chau.” I lied to the pimp saying that I was leaving to pick up the shampoo, and then I ran, leaving everything behind to go to hers. That day will forever haunt me. Now whenever someone asked me to join a threesome, I would freak out, and no matter how much the pay, I would never go. 

At the time in Son La, I only knew Thuy. I still remember the first day we met, we were talking at a café, and she was also opening up to me. Both of us were crying because “we are in the same boat”. Since then, I moved to her rented room and therefore a bit less lonely. We’ve been relying on each other. We also have another sister. So every Tet, without anywhere to go, my sisters will take turn to bring me to their home so I have a home to go to for Tet. 

Now I am also more mature and less impulsive. After knowing more and learning more, I understand my father’s rationale and reactions, I no longer resent him. I understand that he has his own pains. So I still call him up, even though the entire conversation was in silence. I think even now if my dad doesn’t approve of my identity, it is fine, as long as I have a stable job and earn enough money to send to them, that is enough for me.” – Bui Thi Chi, Transgender from Son La

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