Trigger Warning: The following story contains details that may be disturbing to some (including sexual abuse, sexual violence). Please consider it before procee
It was not until a couple of years ago, I realized that what happened to me in my teenage years was sexual abuse.
You see, my sexuality development is a bit different from others: I experienced sex first, at 15 years old, before even realizing whether it was men or women that I was attracted to.
At the time, I had this habit of checking out people’s chests, whether it was men’s or women’s. But a full male chest was somehow drawn to me more. He knew that weakness of mine and used it to “lure” me. Teenage kids are often curious, and I was not an exception back then. So, when he said he would let me touch his chest if I did what he asked, I followed.
At first, they were touching and hand-job, you know, outercourse stuff, that he taught me, and after a year, the penetration started. During those three years, I was “trained” to be, more or less, a toy for his pleasure.
So, when I turned 18, I had no idea what homosexuality was, or how love felt. All I knew was sex. Those years left a massive scar on the way I view life: I cannot connect sex and love. Until this day, when I am already in my 30s, I have never been physically close to anyone that I love. On the other hand, I can only have casual sex with those I have zero feelings with.
It is the kind of future that I will never wish on any child, and it is why I started teaching sex ed: I want kids today to learn to protect themselves first. I prioritize students in middle and high schools. I ask them to draw their "picture of sexuality", nurturing certain connections with their own body and understand gender diversity.
I want them to have control of their sexual selves, not letting others take advantage of it. I would be candid to the kids of how far pedophiles would go to harm them, exploiting their feelings to sexually against them; it might start from lewdness to abuse, to rape or even worse.
Then I started joining talks on policy development and implementation.
That was when I found that in Viet Nam, many still find excuses for child sexual abuse, like, “[the kid or underage teen] consented” or “they enjoyed the ‘pleasure’”. That’s just wrong, horribly wrong! First, the human body has areas that naturally cause arousal when touched. At the same time, children have not yet developed the emotional or physical maturity to understand it and the consequences entailed. The consent rule hence does not apply to them. The excuses are particularly more alarming when you look at the real numbers: most of the abused children in Viet Nam reportedly gave “permission” to the abuse, while fewer cases involve coercion. Those pedophiles usually present small treats, money and sometimes the victims’ sexual curiosity to entice them.
I have had to tell everyone what makes sexual activities with adults and with children different are the naivety of the minor. They are not yet able to be accountable for their behaviors – they cannot even have the full legal capacity – and that whoever has sexual relationships with them is taking advantage of their incomplete self and social awareness.
Therefore, when building the sex-ed program to teach in classes, no matter if they are attended by adults or children, I always say, “It does not matter whether a child or an underage teen gives permission or acts willingly, it is a violation of the law for any adult engaging in sexual behaviors with them.” Full stop. No further “but” nor explanations needed.
When doing my research for the program, I came to realize that many others have had to go through a similar experience as mine: exposing to sexual activities as early ages as the beginning of their puberty – the stage when they were full of confusions and trying to figure the answers for themselves. That made them particularly vulnerable to abuse.
After all, I hope that if a child today develops their feeling for someone, they can also comfortably seek advice and knowledge from more experienced people – people that they trust – such as their parents. If the adults could be open enough to say something like it is OK to have a crush on someone - not making it sound awful or criticizing it - and teach the kids to embrace and navigate their feelings, that alone already means they have allowed their children to understand themselves better in a healthy manner. From my experience, that is utterly important.” – Dr. Thu, Ho Chi Minh City.